Jobs the Guardians Should Never Do
by iamthesidekick2550
Summary: Yes I know it's a rip-off of Maximum Ride, but I think it's a pretty good rip-off. I think.
1. Jack Frost

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rise of the Guardians or the Guardians of Childhood**

Tanning Volunteer -

How is he gonna be a winter sprite if he looks like a freaking surfer dude?

One of Santa's Elves you see at the Mall -

"Where are the yetis? Who is that old guy in the suit? And why the h*** am I wearing green!? I'm a winter spirit not a springtime freak! Oh no. The Queen of May is going to kill me."

Mistletoe Hanger -

*hanging mistletoe* "Oh! Tooth! I didn't see you there!" *edges mistletoe closer*

Hair Dresser -

"Gurlll... Yo hair colah's so terrawbawl that it makes Lahdie Gah-Gah's fahsion look good!"

And this is coming from the guy whose hair style was the same since the Dark Ages.

Exorcist/Demon Hunter -

*waving cross around* "The power of the Man in the Mo - I mean Christ repels you! Begone Pitch - I mean Devil spawn! Away from this holy place!"

**Did you hate it? Did you love it? Are you neutral? Review to tell me!**

**The next one is gonna be...**


	2. E Aster Bunnymund

**Disclaimer: I no own Rise of the Guardians (btw the fourth one of the previous chapter was inspired by jabbywockyandthevorpalblade who did his/her own version of jobs people should never do. Check her/his account out. It's reallllllly good.)**

****Zookeeper -

Fellow zookeeper: "Now Aster I need you to dress up in this kangaroo costume to advertise our new 'Adventures Down Under' exhibit."

Oh the irony.

Professinal Hunter -

I don't think the idea of rabbits hunting rabbits is right.

Miner -

He has tunnels all over the world. Imagine what he could do to a mountain.

Babysitter-

If he can handle an 318 year old winter spirit of Fun and Mischief, I think he can handle a few kids for a couple of hours.

Or can he (DUN DUN DUH DAH)!?

Easter Bunny Impersonater Contestant -

"And the winner is," *drumroll* "Contestant Number 27!"

"What! But I'm the real Easter Bunny! Not some white fuzzy b****!"

"Uhh, security!"

**So yeah second chapter. Did it repulse you? Did it amaze you? Or are you still neutral? Review to tell me!**


	3. Queen Toothiana

**Disclaimer: Don't I Guardian of the Rise own? From now on I'll be posting who's gonna be the subject for the chapter.**

**It's Tooth this time guys!**

Fashion Designer -

"Umm I think it needs more feathers, and uh, some more of this sparkly stuff."

The person who wore that dress had to move to Mexico and change her name to Pepita.

Dentist -

"Oh look that those canine teeth! You could gut a pig with them! So cute!"

"Mommy I want to go back to Sweet Tooth! I'm not a big girl anymore!"

Army Recruit -

"Soldier, drop and give me twenty!"

"Twenty what?"

Pope -

"I have a new bible. The Book of Fairy Tales!'

"But nobody believes in that fairy tale crap anymore."

*gasp* "Unbeilivers! Sick 'im Teeth!"

Serial Killer -

"Do you know why I'm killing people? They're not brushing their teeth! Now they're all black and ugly! I hate that! So I kill them to stop them from opening their stinking mouths ever again!"

"Uhh lady, you didn't kill nobody. you just murdered their toothbrushes."

"And your point is?"

"Jack I need back-up there's this woman and she's killing people's toothbrushes. Yes, I said toothbrushes."

**Number three was inspired by Sisters Grimm (great book series btw). **

**Next up is...**


	4. Sanderson McSnoozie

**Disclaimer: I own Rise of the Guardians. Or do I? Probally not. Yeah. I don't. *sigh***

**This time around it's Sandserson McSnoozie aka the Sandman aka Sandy.**

Mime: He would amaze people with his dazzling muteness.

News Reporter: "And here's Sanderson McSnoozie with the weather."

*rainy cloud, 24/5, 2 smily sun, steam, sidewalk, egg appear over his head*

"Thanks Sanderson, now last night some mental case broke into people's houses and murdered their toothbrushes..."

Sign Languange Teacher -

*in sign language*

"Now everyone, I'll be teaching you a new form of sign language."

*flashes hands and numbers over his head*

"You can't do it? Then you are no student of mine! Away with you! Begone!" **(A/N How do you say that in sign language?)**

Rapper -

- -?/-/- -/-/- -,-/- -/- - - -/"- -"/- -,- -/- -!/- -(- - -)/- - -?/-/

*wins trophy*

Macy's Manager -

I don't think being a bed manager means sleeping in a bed.

**This is a meh chapter IMHO. But...**

**I NEEDZ MOAR REVIEWS!**

**Okay, I'm done.**

**Next up is...**


	5. Nicholas St North

**Oh hey guys next chapter, and the last chapter was... FREAKING 10 DAYS AGO!OHMAGODOHMAGODOHMAGOD ! READ THIS WHILE I KILL MY SELF!**

**a lot...**

**i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY! I was in the hospital suffering from Writer's Block, the worst diease EVA! **

**It's North this time ma peeps...**

Santa Clause You See at the Mall -

"All right everyone! Get in line! Oh hello Jack! Why are you ranting? Ah! Never mind. Bring in children!"

"Hi Santa! My name's Tommy!"

"What do you want for Christmas, Tommy?"

"I want a blue puppy, a zillion bucks, a phone like my mommy, a robot, a jetpack, a laser gun…

***two hours later***

"…a fourth nipple, a ballerina suit, a two-headed, nine-finned, seven-spotted, upside down goldfish, and a radioactive goat that follows me as a sidekick! His name has to be Felix, Felix the Radioactive Goat!"

"Oy! What happened to car for Paul, doll for Susie…"

Jet Engineer -

"Now people! For this jet I need: Nine reindeer, 40 tons of hay, nine stable pens, and a pooper scooper. Now get to work!"

"Uh, why all these things?"

"Well we are making jet, no? If make jet, jet must be perfect!"

Fire Dancer -

*intricate dancing* *intricate dancing*

"Now! Done! What do you want next, audi-"

"AAAAAHHH! COCKROACH!"

"KILL IT WITH FIRE! KILL IT WITH FIRE! KILL IT FIRE!"

*smacks cockroach with flaming stick*

"OH LORDY IT'S STILL ALIVE!"

"JACK! GET THIS UNHOLY CREATURE AWAY FROM HERE! EXORCISE! EXORCISE!"

Mystery Writer -

_She was appalled by the mess around her, scratch that, there _was_ no mess it was covered in a light frost. He would never do this, unless..._

_"Nonononono..." she muttered, but even as she __said those words, she knew the worst is just around the door. She gasped. The person of interest was nowhere to be found._

_Jack Frost was gone._

Gangster (or Gangsta) -

"Hmm, you didn't get me da beans, huh Jack Green."

"Y-yeah, but I do have the unicorn ho-"

"I WANTED BEANS! YOU SAID YOU CLIMBED BEANSTALK TA GET DA TREASURE!"

"Now I'll have ta bring in another Jack, and once he's done with you, you'll be sleeping with da fishes.

"Bada Bing, Bada Boom. Tough luck kid."

**This is a meh chapter for me, i ran out of ideas fast! Oh and I'll do Pitch next so I need ideas for him, like now. NNNNOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!**

**So yeah, did it inexplicably horrify you? Did it make you feel like sugar, spice, and everything nice? Or are you still one of those female dog-donkeys* neutral trolls.**

**Tell me in through your reviews.**

**IIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ASSSSSSSSSSSS!**

***Sorry! cant cuss my mom reads these, but im pretty sure you'll figure it out **


	6. Pitch Black

**I really have no excuse.**

**It's our favorite villian, Kozmotis Pitchiner! aka Pitch Black!1!111!**

**The first one was kaci12's idea. Thanks kaci12 :D**

Ice Cream Man -

"Umm... can I have one scoop of Devil's Food, one scoop Suffering Strawberry, and three scoops of Death by Chocalate please!"

"Death by Choclate is my favorite! It's to _die_ for. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah *breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Uh... I'm gonna go over there... You can bring it."

*over there* "Mommy, that scary guy's crazy!"

Fanfiction User -

"Hmm what's M-Rated?"

*clicks* "Oh my. Jack and Bunny! The possibilities are endless!"

*scrolls downs* "What's this? Black Ice?"

*reads story*

"OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD! I'M BURNED FOR LIFE I SAY ! FOR LIFE! MY EYES BUUUUUUUUUUURN!"

Such is the life of a Fanfiction User.

Lecturer -

"... And you can use the semicolon in a - _OOUCH! _Who threw that snowball?"

"Jack if your there..."

"No Jack is not hiding under a chair listening to you talk about semicolons!"

"Oh. Okay then, as I was saying..."

Reenactor -

"OK guys! Let's reenact the Battle of the Guardians!"

"Uh, Pitch! There's no such thing."

"That's what you think..."

Voice Over Guy-

"In a world where Pitch won and the Guardians lost. The other spirits exiled Pitch and removed all trace of his work? The Guardians then rose back to power?

"Jack! Have you been messing with the script!"

**I think that's it for this story. I might do a Jamie if you guys review. And I just might do a 'Jobs the Heroes of Olympus Should Never Do' or something like that. sooooooooooo anywho. Did you want to kill it with a knife? Did you want to put ice cream in it? Or are you one of those F****** STUPID B**** A** TROLLS WHO WANT TO RUIN EVERYONE'S DAY?! Tell me through that little button down there! Oh and I need a Beta so if your interested PM me :D**


	7. More of This Coming to a Town Near You

**Oh my god. 1000+ views!L!WQEGBJGJY!MHFJVYK'HKNGknk!**

**i am sorry. I was in a fit of madness.**

**Anywho this story is over , but there will be another! Jobs the Heroes of Olympus Should Never Do!**

**btw I no own Percy Jackson.**

**So if ya wanna check it out, click on my stories in my profile at very bottom. **

**And I still need a beta reader if you dont have anything to do... More info on that later.**

**Im done. Good bye. **


	8. Now In a Computer Near You

**Jobs the Heroes of Olympus Should Never Do is up!**

**Just click on my name, scroll down to stories and there it is!**

**Hope you like it!**

**- Sidekick**


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